


Locked Up, Shut Down

by ruthmakesstuff (orphan_account)



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2015-11-06
Packaged: 2018-04-30 08:24:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5156903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ruthmakesstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anders goes to the chantry to rescue Karl - all does not go according to plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Locked Up, Shut Down

“I’m sorry,” Anders said, as he plunged the knife into Karl’s body.

The man slumped onto him, causing Anders to lose his balance and stagger backwards, letting Karl slide to the floor with an undignified ‘thump’. He looked down - at the blood pooling around him, one body surrounded by many. He looked down at himself - there was blood on his coat. Blood on his hands.

Something inside of him broke.

He wasn’t sure how he ended up on the floor, surrounded by corpses. The air reeked with the stench of blood, burning and death. Every sensation was acute and painful, from the cold of the floor underneath him to the wet slip of blood on his hands. 

“Anders? Anders, we need to leave - there will be more Templars here, soon,” came a voice from above him. 

He looked up at the speaker - the woman, Hawke - and tried to reply, but he realised with a bolt of panic that he was paralysed. He couldn’t get up off the floor, he couldn’t open his mouth to speak, he couldn’t do anything but hurt. Looking up at the faces above him, he saw confusion, concern, and anger.

“Mage -” came an angry start, but the man was gently shushed.

Anders’s field of vision was suddenly interrupted with the image of Hawke. She’d crouched down in front of him, putting herself at eye level with him.

She reached out a hand - “Is it okay if I touch you?” she asked. He nodded, blankly, and she put a hand on his shoulder and slid it down his arm.

“Anders,” she started quietly, “can we take you out of here?” He looked her in the eyes for a moment, and let out a slow breath before nodding. Hawke stood up, and then extended a hand in front of him. He took it, after a brief hesitation, and soon he was on his feet. They were still holding hands, and she gave his a gentle squeeze before letting him go.

“Come on,” said Varric, and the four of them left the chantry.

* * *

“Anders, what happened in the chantry?” Hawke asked. The four of them were standing in the clinic, and Anders had appeared to have regained his voice somewhere along the journey.

“You glowed,” Fenris added, look unimpressed.

This conversation was probably inevitable, but Anders regretted that it had to happen under such circumstances. “This is difficult,” he started. “When I was in Aramanthine, I met a spirit - of Justice. He was my friend.”

“A spirit? Not a demon?” Hawke queried, tilting her head in confusion.

“Just as demons reflect our vices, spirits embody our virtues. Compassion, Charity - Justice,” Anders said.

“And what does this have to do with the glowing?” Hawke asked.

“He needed a host,” Anders said, deliberately evading the gaze of the angry elf to Hawke’s right. “He would have died - we were going to work together, to restore justice to every child ripped from his mother to be sent to the Circle.”

“Because no bad has ever come from good intentions,” Fenris interjected, “not even when magic is involved.”

“Normally I’d argue that, but when Justice and I joined, I - he changed. Something about my anger. Where previously he was a spirit of justice, now he is a force of vengeance. Templars, things that always outraged me… now he comes out. And he has no sense of mercy.”

“This must be very difficult for you, I’m sorry,” Hawke said, gently.

Anders softened. He didn’t realise how tense this conversation had been making him until he heard Hawke’s words of kindness. “Thank-you,” he said.

Varric cleared his throat. “I’ve got somewhere to be, Hawke. See you at The Hanged Man, later?”

“Me, as well,” Fenris added, shooting a filthy look in Anders’s direction.

“Of course,” said Hawke, “I’ll catch you up later.”

The two other men left, and Hawke and Anders were left alone together.

“About the other thing that happened in the chantry,” she began.

“I know,” Anders said, “I’m sorry.”

Hawke smiled. “You don’t need to apologise to me - I just want to know that you’re alright,” she said.

“I’ll live,” he replied, wryly. “You seemed more at home with… how I was, than the other two were.”

“My father was an apostate, like me and Bethany. We’d have to flee - frequently - when the threat of the Templars arrived. I suppose the necessity and urgency allowed him to run when we had to, but as soon as we were safe? He’d shut down, lock up. Like you did,” Hawke explained.

“I understand. That must have been difficult for you - especially when you were young,” Anders said.

“It was. But it kept him and us out of the Circles, so I’m grateful,” Hawke said.

“I’ll be glad for that, for you. The Circles were… awful. I went quiet like that there a few times - they’d put me in solitary confinement so I didn’t disturb the other mages. I would lose days, there, trapped in my own mind,” Anders said.

“That’s horrible,” Hawke said, appalled, and Anders felt a twinge of discomfort. This was the reason he didn’t like talking about his personal history with any seriousness - he didn’t like people feeling sorry for him.

“It was what it was, I suppose. I had Karl, though. He made things better for me. He and I - we were lovers,” he added, cautiously.

“Karl from just now? Oh, Anders. I’m so sorry,” Hawke said.

Anders sighed, and turned away. “I have things I need to be doing - my maps are yours, though. As am I, if you want me for your expedition.” He bustled around, picking things up and putting them down again until he heard the clinic door close behind her, then collapsed into a chair.

**Author's Note:**

> Two things about DA2 really irk me about the F!Hawke/Anders relationship: 1) You never find out that Anders and Karl were together, and 2) Anders never gets any time to be upset - you go straight from the chantry to "hang on are you an abomination".
> 
> I thought I'd give Anders space to react, and a little emotional support and room to grieve.


End file.
